EscalatorYule 2011: Stave One...

...Escalatorville was dead to begin with.

This part is actually slightly true. I had written a piece to kick off this years EscalatorYule Extravaganza, put down a good 3/4 of it over the weekend and figured, "Hey, I get home from work early on Sunday, I'll just finish it up and put it right on out."

Trust and the Holidays don't always mix well. I'm not used to "backing up" my work to a "disk" or a "file" on the "hard drive" (these are terms I'm not really familiar with. Who am I, Bill Gates?). Instead, I relied on the "Auto-Save" feature on this very website: only to be betrayed like the child whom wishes only for an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle - and ends up with pink rabbit footie pajamas.

That said, I'll attempt to re-write and successfully post, at a later time, what I had initially wanted you to read here today.

In the meanwhile, however, a little seasonal poetic distraction to enthrall and arouse your Jubilation:

First, I must include that I am quite thankful to be a member of a band known as The Wobbly Toms. On our album 'Everybody Happy' - we have a song I wrote entitled 'Where The Hell's My Coffee?". We like to play it a lot, and folks seem to like hearing it when we do. That's pretty cool.

If you'd like, your ears can peruse the original version here.

About a year ago, I decided to re-craft the song for the holiday crowd. Herewith, the lyrics to my "Safe To Sing In Front Of Kids" version:

Where The Heck Is Santa? (copyright 2010/11 - Escalatorville Tunes/Wobbly Songs)

I haven't seen that fat man yet,
To tell him things I'd like to get,
Like black socks and a new drum set!
Where The Heck Is Santa?

I thought I'd find him at the mall
(He'd been there since the First of Fall)
The food court echoes back my call:
"Where The Heck Is Santa!?"

You must be quick, to catch St. Nick
On his supersonic flight
I hope that it's my house he'll pick
As he travels through the night.

I rode up to the cold North Pole,
I found an Elf stuck in the snow,
"That sleigh took off some time ago..."
Where The Heck Is Santa?

You must be quick to catch St. Nick,
On his supersonic flight
I hope that it's my house he'll pick
As he travels through the night.
Who's that superhero
Bending nature's laws?
Who's a pal to everyone?
That's Good Ole Santa Claus!

Now, somewhere out there in the world,
He gives his thick mustache a twirl,
And drops gifts for good Boys and Girls!
Where The Heck Is Santa?
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This next one is in a more adult in vein, but I picture it's eventual recording being as heartwarming and beautifully arranged as something by Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians. If only someone could wake up Fred and get this to him...

The Reindeer's Christmas Party (copyright 2011, Escalatorville Tunes)

Christmas evening at the North Pole.
All the Elves are getting dressed
For the biggest gala of the year,
Where everyone's a special guest!
It's the Reindeer Christmas Party...

Yes, the Reindeer Christmas Party!
The whole workshop's gettin' down!
That pole will be a 'rockin'
When the gang gets back to town!

It's been a long long Christmas, hauling tons of toys.
Time for furry skinned sleigh pullers to act like girls and boys.
At this special Christmas party, they play grown-up Reindeer games.
Dancer, Prancer, Vixen - all start to live up to their names.

Yes, the Reindeer Christmas Party!
The whole workshop's gettin' down!
That pole will be a 'rockin'
When the gang gets back to town!

With tinsel on their antlers, and holly round their hooves,
They'll down a few Oat Sodas after carousing on your roofs!
It's easy to spot Rudolph, his nose rosy and bright -
But after "hay" and eggnog, we're all the same later that night!

Yes, the Reindeer Christmas Party!
The whole workshop's gettin' down!
That pole will be a 'rockin'
When the gang gets back to town!

Oh a Reindeer Christmas Party
Where we all can rest our paws,
And raise a glass of Christmas Spirit
to the best boss, Santa Claus!
At the Reindeer Christmas Party!
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-Should be a chart topper sometime in the next quarter-century. Hell, if those damn barking dogs can do it, I think anyone probably can.

Tomorrow evening - Santa and Fire Trucks don't mix...

The Dispatch From Escalatorville
Z.F. Lively - Head Ornamentalist.