Monday, May 9, 2011

The Dispatch From Escalatorville: Allegation, Allegory, and Alliteration

Upon viewing a Colonial soldier cavorting down the road with his mistress of historically comparable attire - a Visitor to Our Faire Citie (Americanid Vacatium Spendthrifticus, Circa 1957) loudly remarked:

"There They Go - Pirates!"

The way some of these tourists drink, you'd think they lived here.

A Fairly Fanciful Feat For Even The Fastest Of Fingers
I'd like to see the creation of a "Retro-Phone" App. The App would enable any "smart" device to operate with the same ring sounds, dial tones, and circumnavigation speed of an old Rotary Telephone. The idea may seem whimsical as you're reading this, I know. The day it debuts, however, I bet it cuts Drunk Dialing Your Ex's by at least 30%.

Inconsequential Index, Ingredients:Inane Ideologies, Ironclad Insight

This Dispatch's List: Recent Likes/Dislikes of your humble (ha!) narrator...

Like - Owl Themed Artwork, posters, tattoos, pottery, etc.
Dislike - Actual Owls - they're creepy, man.

Like - Walking into the stores second room to talk to a cute female customer - hey, interaction with potential spenders is part of the job, folks.
Dislike - Her giggles as she walks out, my nose being the first to discover why she was there alone in the first place.

Like - the convenience of the internet for perusing my personal interests and research.
Dislike - the convenience of the internet for everyone else.

Frazzled Fashion (Go Figure!)
Now, I'm no fashionista - but even I gather that the leather jacket - dyed silver- accented by humongous needleworked paisleys - probably didn't debut on the runways of New York or Paris. Yet, its owner pranced around as if she'd stepped directly out of a space portal from whatever alternate universe in which that used to be cool.

The sartorial snob in me has also noted a rising use of the "this fedora makes me sexy" look. Except that, in 4 out of 5 cases, any promised sexiness fails to appear with the addition of said hat. Thus, trendsters, if you see someone on the street really rocking your new style; chances are it's not you.

On a final fashion note - what's this deal with resting ones sunglasses atop the chin, people? Did your forehead start charging rent, or are you trying to give the impression that your own cheeks are staring at your chest?

Again, please regale me with explanation, fad mavens*, the post office keeps stealing my Vogue.

*p.s. "The Fad Mavens" would be a wicked cool name for a rock band. Contact me if you want to use it (genius ain't cheap, my friend).

The DiMucci Dichotomy
Everyone should already know who the singer, Dion, is. Even those not encyclopedic in pop music of the latter half of the 20th century know his biggest hits -

"Runaround Sue"
and "The Wanderer."

What I've always wondered is how ballsy Mister D. has to be, in order to chastise the namesake of the former for espousing the same traits he himself claims to exploit in the latter?

Also, why such a lackluster Christmas album? You could have kept it cool and raw (hey, you're Dion), but you really headed toward Steve and Eydie territory there.

Lively's Limerick Lounge

Wholesome (to be read in a Bronx or Irish dialect, please)
There once was a gal from Calcutta,
Who developed two gallon-sized "udders"
Said she, with a shrug,
"You think these are jugs?
Take a look at the ones on me mother!"

I once played a role rather spritely.
Costume gal gave me tights that fit, (ahem) tightly.
Seems she was obsessed with
What I was possessed with,
Yet was too shy to ask me politely.

The Slippery Slope Of Subliminal Suggestion
The bell tower chimes at my Alma Mater always seem to be ringing when I walk by. Usually, I inwardly giggle (one of those "Jeesh, I can't believe they're playing this" awkward feeling giggles) when I hear the sounds falling out of the towers - for instance, listening to a version of the Carpenter's "We've Only Just Begun" that segues directly into "The Impossible Dream."

Once last Autumn, however, I caught a bit of the players dark humor; rain clouds had closed in around the city, winds were whipping the trees around downtown - as I walked past the school, I couldn't help but hum along to the hilariously sinister tones chortling out-

"Blue Skies, Smilin' at me, Nothing but blue skies..."

Lifetime Lovers, Weekend Warriors
Standing behind a wall in an Orlando warehouse, my feet in sawdust, my finger on a trigger. As the nose of my rifle peaked over a window ledge, my thoughts turned back to the events of the week prior. Bess and I had celebrated our 6th Anniversary in pretty grand style - from string quartets and French Opera lithographs to dinner with loved ones, boomerang overnight road trips to Savannah, overpriced coffee, second winds, and birthday cake - enjoying each others company and sharing cute looks along the way.

Now, here I stood, gun in hand, waiting for the enemy. Paintball novice that I am, I was just happy to be "alive" that far into the round. I caught a flash in the corner of my eye. A green sash atop the targets face mask - Enemy. I turned, fired, and watched with growing pride as my "bullet" went through a window, a hallway, a door frame and -POP- right between the eyes!

Holy Cow, it was thrilling!
Holy Crap! It was Bess.

All of the above took place in about 20 seconds. Within 15 more, I was out too. Blasted in the right eye, paint on my tongue. I ran outside and found my beloved bride, admitting that it was I who had been her assassin. She laughed.

Forgiveness granted, it was War after all, I grabbed a soda and chuckled to myself. Many folks anniversaries end with one partner putting the other to bed, and preparing for the next days routines.

During our celebration, I shot my wife in the face.

She is so cool.

This is the Dispatch from Escalatorville,
Z.F. Lively, formatted to fit your screen

Oh yeah, you don't want to forget this - I am in a band, we are called the Wobbly Toms, we have an album out called 'Everybody Happy! which you can check out and/or purchase here, as well as at our shows. We're playing an acoustic show this coming May the 27th at Ann O'Malleys Pub, St. Augustine. Come on out, you'll like it.