Sunday, December 21, 2008

Merry Christmas from Escalatorville (2008)

Greetings Escalatorians and Escalatrixes, we hope this dispatch finds you in the best of spirits at this time of the year.

I would love to be able to shower you all with gifts (lord knows some of you just need to be showered). However, I have to save all my strength so that I can make a 24-hour, round the world trip to see that every child awakens with a present on Christmas morning (well, almost every child - sorry Korea).

Since I cannot personally drop down your chimney this year, I would like to present a few of my recent holiday observations (click the links for interesting stuff):

-Tickets for the Santa Train should come with a warning (at least the hospital was appropriate).

-Apparently, The Grinch does exist (Fa-Who-Foray, my eye!).

-I've never seen a Dentist crying at the holidays.

-I realize that Scrooge was most enamored of the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Now, there are 700 Million people on Earth who will tell you exactly why they celebrate this season (that's a full 10th of the planet) - something about a magic baby who grew up to be a magic philosopher. His accomplishments are well documented in a couple books, ask at your local library.

However, there are a few feats which have been otherwise ignored. As a final Christmas Present to you, dear reader - we are pleased to present

"Jesus' Other Miracles(No Guarantees)":

-Took 1 Peanut & 1 Cocoa Bean. Poof. Snickers Bar.

-First to water ski with no skis. No boat.

-Once brought Ringo out of a really deep sleep (Wrong place, wrong time, wrong Beatle).

-"Christmas in July" on QVC!


Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Escalatorville will return with a vengeance in the New Year. Until then, may your days be merry and bright!

-Z.F. Lively, Grand Marshall, Escalatorville Holiday Parade

p.s. This year, I'm giving everyone I know a tiny bag - each containing 44 cents and a sticker which reads "Change has come to America"