Sunday, July 8, 2012

The Dispatch From Escalatorville: Post-Holiday Ellipses'

I want to open up this Dispatch with a special mention for one of my very best friends - Richard ("Dick Wobbly") Steinmeyer, who turns 40 years young this week. I've known Richard more than half our lives and he's always been a grand guy, late-night confidante, and trusted fellow musician; we've seen each other through good times and bad, and he has always treated me like a brother. I love that guy. Happy Birthday Richard!

Now, here he is dancing like a chicken:

A wild- eyed visitor comes into the store where I work. Sweatily approaching the counter, he asks:

"You all got a sign that says 'This is the 'Stabbin' Cabin'?"

"Um, 'The Stabbin' Cabin?" I inquire back (realise that we sell a variety of novelty signage, but none so directly inspired by the backwoods redneck horror genre).

"UH - HUH!!" The glistening and corpulent man eagerly affirmed in anticipation.

"I'm afraid - we. don't. have. that. one, currently..." I hastily responded (hoping that I hadn't upset a man with such a desperate need for a 'Stabbin' Cabin' sign)

"...but, perhaps you could check at our other store down the street..."
Not A Real Word Department.
Prontookulous; adj. : full of an exuberance which makes one want to add hats to images of dinosaurs.
At half-off racks a year from now-
Mayan themed torso apparel emblazoned with the phrase:
"I survived the end of days and all I got was this  lousy t-shirt."

They'll be located next to this copies of this recent bumper sticker:
"I already have an attitude, thanks. I don't need yours."
It's a vast parade of humanity that passes through the retail environs in days closest to our nation's birthday celebrations. America at it's grandest and most diverse. At my day job - I get the chance to greet the sun worshipers whom look as if they've had their brains boiled right out of their skulls - and folks whom wonder aloud, and in my direction, if there is anywhere in town to buy "Nautical Shells." - Yes. "Nautical" Shells.

"Well Sir," says the clerk in a shop that sells sea shells somewhat near the sea shore,
"You are surrounded by them."

Also seen carousing the aisles - a lovely girl bobbing her head and singing along to the Beach Boy's 'Good Vibrations" as it played on the in-store radio. Directly ahead of her - the boyfriend;  gruff, grumbly, misshapen, and sporting a tattoo portrait of a KKK Grand Wizard.

OMG Bless 'Merica, Y'all.

On the same day, I overheard another patron reassure her hungry brood with the following:

"There's a restaurant down the way - they probably have food and stuff."

My fingers are crossed for you, ma'am.
Free Band Name Of The Week: Slug Knuckle (You're Welcome)

I attended a street fair at the neighborhood farmers market a Lil bit ago. An emergency team had been called for a woman felled by exhaustion, or the excitement of the day, or something of the sort. Point being, the injured woman would be o.k., and she was fully reassured by the EMTs as they loaded her stretcher into the awaiting ambulance. I wonder, however, if her confidence wavered at all upon seeing the oncoming trolley advertising that evenings Ghosts and Gravestones tour.

We conclude with the latest in our growing collection of modern day malapropisms, overheard in downtown St. Augustine, Florida:

"I don't know - I'm off of the loop."
Really, aren't we all?

The Dispatch From Escalatorville
Z.F. Lively, Proprietor, Etc., Etc., Etc. for dots, and dots (and dashes too).

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